A Bum Asks a Man for $5

The man asks him, "Will you buy booze?"

The bum replies, "No."

The man asks, "Will you gamble it away?"

The bum replies, "No."

So the man asks him, "Will you come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn't drink or gamble?"

A Day at the Races

Did you hear the one about the woman who hit her husband on the head with a rolling pin?

Suffering from a sudden headache, her husband asked her, "What was that all about?"

"I found a piece of paper in your jacket pocket with the name Mary Lou written on it." She replied

"That's the name of a horse I got a hot tip on." He replied

Accepting his explanation she apologizes for whacking him.

A few days later, she nails him on the head again, even harder.

When he regains consciousness, he asks "Why on earth did you do that?"

"Your horse phoned."

A Doctor Poker Player

A doctor answers his phone and hears the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the line.

"We need a fourth for poker," said the friend.

"I'll be right over," whispered the doctor.

As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, "Is it serious?"

"Oh yes, quite serious," said the doctor gravely. "In fact, there are three doctors there already!"

A Gambler Wins a Big Jackpot

A woman is having a bad day at the roulette tables in Las Vegas.

She's down to her last $10.

Exasperated, she exclaims, "What rotten luck! What in the world should I do now?"

A man standing next to her, trying to calm her down, suggests, "I don't know... why don't you play your age?"

He walks away. Moments later, his attention is grabbed by a great commotion at the roulette table. Maybe she won! He rushes back to the table and pushes his way through the crowd. The lady is lying limp on the floor, with the table operator kneeling over her.

The man is stunned. He asks, "What happened? Is she alright?"

The operator replies, "I don't know. She put all her money on 29, and 36 came up. Then she just fainted!"

A Gambling Man

A man walks into a butcher's shop and asks the butcher: "Are you a gambling man?"

The butcher replies "Yes".

The man says, "I bet you $50 that you can't reach up and touch that meat hanging on the hooks up there."

The butcher replies "I'm not betting on that."

"But I thought you were a gambling man" the man retorts.

"Yes, I am" replies the butcher "but the steaks are too high."

A Husband and Wife

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very Fine restaurant when an absolutely stunning young woman walks over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, tells him she'll see him later, and walks away.

His wife glares at him and asks, "Who was that??!!"

"Oh," replies the husband, "that was my mistress."

The wife says, "That's it. I want a divorce."

"I understand," replies her husband, "But, remember, if you get a divorce, there will be no more shopping trips to Paris, no wintering in the Caribbean, no Infinity or Lexus in the garage, and no more Country Club, but the decision is yours."

Just then the wife notices a mutual friend entering the restaurant with a gorgeous woman.

"Who's that woman with John?" she asks. "That's his mistress," replies her husband.

"Ours is prettier," says the wife.

A Man Wins a Big Jackpot

A man wins a big jackpot on a slot machine in Vegas.

As it is paying out of the machine, but before the pit boss reaches the lucky winner, a haggard man approaches him and asks him, "I don't mean to disturb you during your big moment, but my wife is sick and needs an operation. Could you see your way clear to giving me $10,000 of your winnings?"

The man replies, "Well, it's all well and good for you to say that, and if it's true I sympathize, but how do I know you're not going to turn around and just gamble it away?"

The haggard man responds, "Oh, I've got gambling money."

A Man Wins the Lottery

A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, "Sarah, pack up your things. I just won the California lottery!"

Sarah replies, "Shall I pack for warm or cold weather?"

The man responds, "I don't care. Just so long as you're out of the house by noon!"

A Trip to Las Vegas

A man comes home to find his wife packing her bags. "Where are you going?" demands the surprised husband.

"To Las Vegas! I found out that there are men that will pay me $500 to do what I do for you for free!"

The man pondered that thought for a moment, and then began packing HIS bags.

"What do you think you are doing?" she screamed.

"I'm going to Las Vegas with you... I want to see how you're going to live on $1000 a year!"

Bingo Player

One Bingo player says to another "My husband's going to a casino in central Asia."

"Tibet?" asked the other.

"Of course, why else would he go?"